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Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
February 11, 2011
If only "we could always look at our lives and realize they had as much poetic resonance as I Used To Be A Fox by *DelectableTea observes here."
Featured by nycterent
Suggested by DailyLitDeviations
Literature Text
To be a fox again, slender was my frame for once in my adult years,
the fat of my gluttony shed for a moment, like the athletic child I'd been.
Still, so hungry I bit and bat at the terrified rabbits, snapping a neck,
and so I began to eat a dear old friend of mine, none the wiser, poor Julia.
On the eve of our downfall, the cities stopped their incessant buzzing,
Rockets froze in the air, vapour and fire became a beautiful thing.
Some tired, bored creator, caught in a moment of whimsy,
Shifted our souls from one thing to the next, a wonderful game it must have been.
As a grasshopper, I perched on a tear in a paper door, playing my new instrument,
Strong smells, bamboo, earth and smoke. I was a nuisance,
My song was loud and urgent, I wanted attention.
As a cow my heart wept for my stolen children, belly fat again, I was swollen.
My integrity lost, imprisoned yet free to wander under the weight of pending execution;
Due date unknown.
I was no less alive than the grass I consumed so feverishly.
I soared down the coastal line as a gull, afraid of heights, I was so hungry again.
The ocean waved to me, bursting at the seams with silvery fish,
Too lazy, I ate something fried and soft from a polystyrene box.
I couldn't taste a thing.
Sticky and disgusting, hopelessly lost, I dragged my fat body over difficult soil.
I was only a slug, how could I have known the very ground would do me wrong?
My body bubbled and burst, painful, aware I was done for; I shifted again.
Lucky, I thought as a man. Once again I was fat and my joints ached, I was so lucky!
A metallic taste in my useless mouth, I could barely remember how to talk,
So very hungry, the fridge was full of sweating meat,
I ate all of it, and choked on every mouthful.
the fat of my gluttony shed for a moment, like the athletic child I'd been.
Still, so hungry I bit and bat at the terrified rabbits, snapping a neck,
and so I began to eat a dear old friend of mine, none the wiser, poor Julia.
On the eve of our downfall, the cities stopped their incessant buzzing,
Rockets froze in the air, vapour and fire became a beautiful thing.
Some tired, bored creator, caught in a moment of whimsy,
Shifted our souls from one thing to the next, a wonderful game it must have been.
As a grasshopper, I perched on a tear in a paper door, playing my new instrument,
Strong smells, bamboo, earth and smoke. I was a nuisance,
My song was loud and urgent, I wanted attention.
As a cow my heart wept for my stolen children, belly fat again, I was swollen.
My integrity lost, imprisoned yet free to wander under the weight of pending execution;
Due date unknown.
I was no less alive than the grass I consumed so feverishly.
I soared down the coastal line as a gull, afraid of heights, I was so hungry again.
The ocean waved to me, bursting at the seams with silvery fish,
Too lazy, I ate something fried and soft from a polystyrene box.
I couldn't taste a thing.
Sticky and disgusting, hopelessly lost, I dragged my fat body over difficult soil.
I was only a slug, how could I have known the very ground would do me wrong?
My body bubbled and burst, painful, aware I was done for; I shifted again.
Lucky, I thought as a man. Once again I was fat and my joints ached, I was so lucky!
A metallic taste in my useless mouth, I could barely remember how to talk,
So very hungry, the fridge was full of sweating meat,
I ate all of it, and choked on every mouthful.
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My grandmother was busy removing the blooms from the annuals when the yard split. She jumped up and ran to me when the ground broke.
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Papa said it was time to call the doctor, so he put on his funny straw hat and went to call the doctor. And when he came back, there was a funny-looking man that followed him into our little house. He had long kinky hair with white stuff in it and when he smiled he had very few teeth. His skin
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I wrote this as a monologue for a poetry prompt! However I think it deviated too heavily from the rules...
EDIT: Have worked on it some more.
EDIT: Have worked on it some more.
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Comments100
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Overall
Vision Originality
Technique ImpactAt a first glance, this seems like a simple reincarnation poem. Reading it, I go through the mind of a fox, a grasshopper, a cow, a seagull, a slug and in the end, a man. But while most religions that believe in transmigration also believe that life should be lived well in order to progress to the "next stage", this poem doesn't parade animals that have been good enough to finally end up as a human. The fox killed a dear friend for gluttony. The seagull was too lazy to catch a fish. In the poem, the shifts are, as explained by the second stanza, just a whimsy of a bored creator, a game.
The structure of this poem is rather solid apart from one thing that confuses me - the second stanza. As said before, this stanza explains the background of the shifts. I'm not convinced this is necessary, because the shifts are interesting and guessing what causes them could open up new levels to the poem. Placed as the second stanza, I think it also disrupts the flow of the poem, which otherwise would progress from one animal to the next. I think that if the stanza is something the writers deems necessary for the poem, it should be the starting stanza; this way it wouldn't be in the middle of the pattern and stick out so much.
What I really like about this poem are the different scenarios it shows the reader. The line breaks are at natural places and the language flows very nicely. The repeating theme of hunger and trying to fulfill that hunger were also very interesting - I had the feeling that no matter the form, this person will never be satisfied.